Marriage Critical: FUN
Do you think spending time together having fun as being critical to your marriage? I didn't. But, during our first year of marriage, my husband and I read a book together titled, His Needs/Her Needs. This book changed my mind. The author, Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr., is a marriage counselor who was discouraged about the number of couples whose marriages were ending in divorce and not being restored through his (and other) traditional counseling methods at the time. As a result, he became passionate about trying to fix this problem. He began to conduct research with the couples he counseled to determine just what caused them to end up in his office. The answer was quite simple. The couples were not in love with one another any more. However, his research also helped reveal the reason why this was the case. Dr. Harley discovered that couples have 10 basic needs in marriage. In general, both husbands and wives expressed the same basic needs. However, when asked to rank the needs in priority order, husbands ranked a particular five of the needs high, and wives ranked a different five needs as more important. As a result, Dr. Harley discovered that in marriage both people were trying to give to their spouse what they personally needed the most. But, because of the different preferences between men and women, the spouses were not getting their own biggest needs met. The result - discouraged couples who were falling out of love with their husband/wife.
The book emphasized that all individuals are unique. There truly are some husbands whose top five needs are not the same as those found in the book. Similarly, there are some women whose top five needs as a wife are different than those mentioned in His Needs/Her Needs. This is why it is important to talk to our individual spouse to determine discover if the needs list is accurate for them. However, in most cases, men ranked the same five needs higher the majority of the time. And, the majority of women ranked the other five needs higher.
As many of you may have guessed, sexual intimacy is typically the highest need expressed by husbands. But, what may surprise you is the number two need - a recreational companion. For most men, being able to spend time with their wife doing something that he enjoys is a top need. Time spent doing these activities makes husbands feel love for (and stay in love with) their wife. Of course, dating is designed in such a way that easily meets that Recreational Companion need in men. But, many times after marriage schedules become busier as the family grows. Other barriers include more limited finances for recreational activities, other duties become a higher priority than "having fun," or even that fact that activities that the couple engaged in during dating are sometimes no longer realistic or possible for them to do. Sometimes activities that both spouses enjoyed during dating no longer become as enjoyable for one following the marriage. All these factors can take a toll on a man's need for recreational companionship.
What can be done to meet this important need?
1) Talk Honestly. As mentioned above, there are some men for whom this isn't a big need. Take the time to talk about whether or not this is something that is important to your particular spouse. If you aren't sure, try scheduling in some time for recreational fun. If your spouse feels more love toward you after these activities, then chances are this is a need for him.
2) Find Activities You can Do Together that You BOTH enjoy. As the book cited, one of the biggest challenges in this area is that men and women sometimes enjoy very different activities. Taking the time to research and discover activities that you BOTH enjoy can take a little time, but it is worth it. If the activity is new to one of you, give the other person a chance to develop some proficiency. (Nobody enjoys something if they are still bad at it!) Give your spouse or yourself time to practice their skills and improve before making the final determination if this will be a fun shared activity.
3) Evaluate Schedules and Make Changes. Life is certainly busy. Often couples are running in different directions due to kids' activities, personal commitments, or work responsibilities. Many times having fun together naturally gets put last on the "to do" list. But, if this is one way to meet a critical need for our spouse, and help our marriage thrive, shouldn't it get a higher priority? Take a few minutes to evaluate schedules. What changes can we make to spend time together having fun?
4) Take Advantage of "The Wet Cement" times.
The Wet Cement principle, described here February 2018 newsletter, describes how there will seasons of change in your marriage. These can include things like the birth of a new baby, a move, a new job or career change, or kids transitioning into school/new schools. During these seasons, it's easier to make changes you desire in your routine, like having more fun!
Need one more reason to consider prioritizing have fun in your marriage? Research has proven that men prefer to talk more when they are engaged in an activity and doing something. Not surprising, communication is one of a wife's top five needs in a marriage. Taking the time to spend with your husband having fun, will many times open the door for deeper communication between the two of you - something that you most likely need in your marriage. Spending time in a recreational activity is critical to marriage success. As Dr. Harley shares in his book, "The couple that plays together, stays together."